“How will I fill the space which people now fill?”

“How will I fill those spaces which weren’t used for the eating disorder? Will they, too, become eating disorder time?” 

When I was leaving Singapore for Brisbane, the second time round for the last term of exchange, I was fucking scared.

Fucking scared because I had relapsed back home in Singapore.

I had taken the eating disorder to new heights as I tried to cope with the weight gain that came with recovering. It was back with a vengeance. It knew I was trying to leave it, and like a persistent ex-lover who can’t let go, it haunted me during the lonely hours. I couldn’t stand being alone, but yet I couldn’t stand being around other people because I felt disgusted with myself. 

How do I fill the space.

What is life without an eating disorder. 

For 3 years, the spaces were filled with food, obsession, excessive amounts of exercise – to avoid feeling, to avoid emotional pain through inflicting physical punishment. 

I return to Vancouver in 4 weeks to finish my degree.

I’m still fucking scared, as I was before.  

But as easy as it is to remember how the eating disorder took over my life and helped to ease the loneliness by whiling away the time, I don’t think I’ll ever go find him once more. As much as I fear loneliness and alienation from friends whom I’ve left behind 2 years ago, I can’t let in an eating disorder once more. To treat my body the way I did, I am ashamed and sorry for.

I mourn for the eating disorder because he had been my best friend at my worst moments but I move on, for he wanted much more than I am willing to give. He wanted my life, my soul and my spirit and he can’t have it back anymore.