The Deepavali holiday brought with it more than the extra sight of twinkly lights along Serangoon Road. For it, it came with another 2 checks on the list of things I wanted to be able to do as I recover from bulimia: to be able to be comfortable around people again, particularly women, in the presence of food.

For many women with eating disorders, the thought of spending time with women alone in the presence of food can be frightful. It’s a challenge to be comfortable, to be yourself, to be open, and to be able to laugh freely no bars hold. With women, it’s hard because we tend to be competitive, bitchy, and judgemental. We appraise one another, often regardless of our relationship with each other – best friend, stranger, sister, cousin, and we take mental note of things. Eating disordered women (EDW) tend [note that this is based on my observations, rather than a scientific & well-planned survey] to be Type A: competitive perfectionists. Everything tends to appear Black & White – no grey, no rainbow spectrum. Everything tends to be Good or Bad – fried food is bad and out of bounds, salad is good and therefore we MUST eat it every day. You get the drift. And because of all the labellings created, EDW end up looking through their tinted glasses on not just themselves, but the women around them. Oh she’s having a donut, yays. Oh no she’s eating salad, dammit. I must too.

Don’t think of us as bitches. It’s a reaction, or perhaps better described as a side effect. And it makes it so hard to be around women because EDW will naturally conclude that other women must be appraising them the way they themselves do. Even if non-EDW aren’t. Shutting off from other women is not healthy – we need our girlfriends to keep us sane, to listen to us whine about not having those Jimmy Choos, to swoon over McDreamy in Grey’s Anatomy, to discuss the latest developments in our relationship. We need our girlfriends to hug us, to remind us of some of the good things in life when we forget with the many stresses of life.

Over my course of recovery, I’ve encountered many challenges and one of the big ones include being able to make new girlfriends and meet up with old ones whom I’ve not seen in a while. But it becomes easier. Slowly and surely, I started opening up to more of my girlfriends, and I began to be more able to laugh my mad, genuine laugh, that comes straight from the heart. Thing is, I didn’t even notice the subtle yet significant changes in my life until it hit me: I’ve been able to laugh, I’ve been able to make plans to meet up with old girlfriends without the secret fear of feeling inferior or ugly next to them, and best of all, I’ve been able to be around food AND girlfriends. Nothing beats the feeling of having the energy to dance, to laugh, to sing, and to feel pure, unadulterated emotion – the good & the bad.

Having my cake and eating it. Heaven.